Rescue Mission

Tim Peake sets off to rescue Dilwyn off Europa

 

Yay! Go Tim Peake.  The long awaited / forgotten-about rescue mission finally blasts off from the Baikonur Cymrudrone this afternoon.  Fellow Brit Tim Peake will spend a couple of days at the International Space Station loafing around with some other people.  Then he’ll slip away into one of the escape pods, like what Dave did in 2001 the Space Oddyssey film.  He’ll then head out into the frozen darkness near Jupiter and fetch home – to a hero’s welcome – our long lost / forgotten-about hero, Megan the dog and the bloke who feeds her, Dilwyn Griffiths.

Time to pay for the renewal on our web hosting I think.

We have the technology

Typical! Not a single update to this website in months, then along comes one all at the same time.
Actually, whilst it might seem like over a year to you, it’s just over 50 minutes to us since we last posted something on here. You see we have discovered how to make time elastic.
We wondered what our parking-space weights and measures official, Morris Spoon, did all day – we’ve only got three parking spaces after all. Turns out he’s a bit of a techno-whizz and came up with the chrono-disruption unit you see here. Yes, a time machine.
WASA Time Machine (Patent Pending)
He didn’t know what it was supposed to do at first – but then he added a handle to the device and when he wound it to see what happened he discovered that he had travelled forward in time by about 3 minutes. A bit more tweaking and he got it to go backwards as well, and for longer times.
It’s all proper science and that. What’s more it uses readily available mobile-phone technology to do some of it. Serendipity then prevailed because Mamgu thought it was something the washing-machine chap had left and so ran out after him only to drop it which subtly altered the way it works. Now it doesn’t so much make the operator go back in time as make everyone else in the world go forward.
Anyway, we think it could prove a cheap and cheerful way of getting our Dilwyn back from Jupiter’s moon Europa*1 without having to bother with a mission.Ffranc Ff. Ffestiniog breaking the news to the world
Now that we have patented the device with the British Homeopathic Society’s Technological Advancement Office we can tell you how it works.
1. Vacillation wave unit.
2. Taid Jones’ watch. This is where you set the time to travel to.
3. Don’t know what that does.
4. Nor this.
5. Llyr’s old mobile phone with wires coming out the back.
6. Chrono-reflective membrane.
7. Music box which plays “My Way” or “Que sera”.
Just like Hadron Colliders – they’re easy once you’ve seen it done once.
In the photo on the right you can see our Senior Biscuit Procurement Executive, Ffranc Ff. Ffestiniog breaking the news of this amazing invention to the world’s telly. You can also just see Myfanwy hanging around knitting something in the corner.
*1 See, we do remember!

Subo arrives

We at WASA HQ are great believers in the notion of “ignore it, and it’ll go away”.  It’s always worked briefly in the past.    But those Europan aliens are very insistent – they’ve been back on Mamgu’s telly every night lately, and always during Pobl y Cwm.   They seem to be getting nasty.  Just because our Dilwyn ate their pop star or whoever it was – it was only a flipping alien for goodness sake.  Mamgu’s had to go to Mrs Meredith’s  next door to shout at the telly now.

We can’t help feel we might get into awful trouble though, if an alien invasion turns out to be our fault.  So we’ve phoned Susan Boyle to see if she fancies a trip to Jupiter as our earthly ambassador, where she might get to meet some alien record producers.  We neglected to mention she was going to be their tea.  Anyway, she hung up after the fifth time we rang and said she was going to call the police.   We couldn’t find Cheryl Cole’s phone number and when we rung Roger Whittaker, he said that he might be interested but that he wasn’t the singing Roger Whittaker, but a machine-shop foreman from Rotherham and that the aliens might not find him such a delicacy.

berwynWe were just about to phone the Prime Minister,  David Cameraman, to warn him of earth’s imminent danger when look who turns up?  Dilwyn’s waste-of-space brother, Berwyn.  Only ever seen when his week has run out of giro or his packet out of fags.  Berwyn is stuck in June 1973 and only ever sees life through a fug of dodgy smoke and has very little idea, ever, about what is going on.  We might just have found our Subo!

So now, how to get him to the Europans’ dining table? With Uncle Rhodri’s shotgun licence now revoked we can’t use the 12-bore cartridge propulsion drive like we did for  Cymru III.  His order for 25,000 size 12 cartridges seem to have set alarms bells ringing down at Ruthin nick.

Our boffins  have been experimenting with a microwave propulsion system involving popcorn and boiled eggs, but are beginning to favour our new drum ‘n bass funk engine for this urgent mission.  Can’t say too much about it  at this stage except that it comprises a LOT of second-hand sound systems out of boy-racers’ cars.

Launch date set for the next full moon – if you can see it, you can’t hit it, that’s our motto.  We can’t call the new craft Cymru IV because we’ve already used that.  Anyway, we’ll lure Berwyn into said, as yet, unmade vehicle, with the promise of making him a giro millionaire and more of his “arthritis medicine” than he can ever smoke.  Then we’ll hit the launch button before he realises it’s photocopied dole and a heap of horse exhaust.  Cymru 6 is on the way.

At the very least, this mission will clean up the gene-pool here on earth.

Alien Contact

An Alien appearing on Mamgu's telly
We’d just settled down in Mamgu’s front room to watch Pobl y Cwm when a load of interference came on the telly.  Morris had just got up to give it a whack when this horrible face appeared through all the crackles and started making a noise like an octopus or something.  He looked proper upset and started banging on the inside of the screen and was clearly shouting at us. His face would have been red if Mamgu had a colour telly.  Unfortunately, none of us understands alien underwater speak so at first we were confused.  After a while though, we got the gist of what he was trying to say.  Apparently, his name is Tharg and he’s the foreign minister for the undersea ice aliens of Europa.  And it seems, our Dilwyn has eaten their equivalent of singer Susan Boyle and they’re all very upset about it.
Anyway, unless we send them our Susan Boyle to make up for their loss, pronto, or 3 Cheryl Coles and a Roger Whittaker, then they’re going to invade earth.

By this point all this shouting and waving was meithering Mamgu, so we switched over to watch the end of Emmerdale instead – we can always watch the Pobl y Cwm repeat on Sunday.

Alien lifeforrm discovered on Europa

Dilwyn baiting his hook ready for some fishing on Europa
Dilwyn baiting his hook ready for some fishing on Europa

For millennia mankind has wondered at the possibility of life existing elsewhere in our universe. The visions of H.G. Wells may have fallen short in so much as Mars isn’t actually overrun by little green men or indeed, so far, even by microbial life-forms and is likely a barren desert. But, January 2011, and The Welsh Space Agency can now confirm, via our Cymru III mission to Callisto (then Europa) that life does indeed exist on a world other than our own.

And this must rank as the most astounding scientific discovery ever – certainly since the discovery that eating past-their-sell-by curried eggs causes tectonic flatulence.

This astonishing sequence of photographs on the right shows the moments of revelation. Mission Deputy Commander Dilwyn Griffiths has bored a test hole through the icy crust of Europa into the liquid ocean below and into which he is about to lower a probe to test for salinity, temperature and relative density. To avoid contaminating this pristine alien ocean, all the equipment has been wiped down with a hanky prior to use.

The first photo shows Dilwyn adjusting the test cable prior to lowering into the bore hole.

Dilwyn gets a bite
Dilwyn gets a bite

The second photo shows the deflection in the line tensioning rod which clearly indicates something in the deep has interacted with the equipment at the end of the line.

Picture 3 shows Dilwyn after he has hauled up this life-form which is completely new to science. It appears to have been attracted to the cheese which Dilwyn attached to the test probe.

Dilwyn catches his first alien lifeform
Dilwyn catches his first alien lifeform

The creature survived removal from its habitat, responded to light when brought to the surface and seemed relatively unfazed by the transition from liquid to gaseous environment. Dilwyn held it carefully to avoid hurting it while he examined it further, and amazingly the animal made eye-contact with our man.

It’s tentacles are clearly highly tactile like those of an octopus and it seemed to exhibit signs of intelligence as it probed Dilwyn’s spacesuit. Shortly, it attempted communication. Gesticulating up at the starry sky and then down to the hole from whence it came. It then tapped out a series of numbers on Dilwyn’s arm which turned out to be all prime numbers. It was clearly trying to tell us something about it and the world in which it lived.

At gas mark 5 for 11/2 hours and with a gravy made up from its giblets, it made for a very passable, if slightly gamey, chicken casserole.

WASA cutting-edge bathroom technology

Junior biscuit procurement executive in the teleporter machine/shower
Junior biscuit procurement executive in the teleporter machine/shower

Every Wednesday morning for years now, Mamgu has been nipping round to Callard and Bowser’s Bathroom showroom in the High Street. Here, when Mr Bowser “nips” into the back room for his regular-as-clockwork tryst with Beryl from the butchers, she avails herself of the many splendored shower cubicles therein.

Anyway, lately we’ve noticed she’s been taking a plank with her.  And when asked she told us it’s because of the fancy new Chinese steam sauna unit they’re selling. Apparently, if she doesn’t tie the plank to her foot and leave it outside she gets dematerialised by the shower only to re-appear somewhere else. Which, apart from the bus fare back again, is a nuisance when you’re ringing wet.

Llyr up to his head on Culdaff beach, Donegal
Llyr up to his head on Culdaff beach, Donegal

Well, this piqued our boffins’ interest.  So last Wednesday morning, we sent junior Biscuit Procurement Executive, Llyr ap Llwyllion, around to test it out.  Sure enough, when he pressed the vertical steam button he at first turned foggy, swirled around a bit and then got sucked up into the extractor fan and disappeared.  We only located him when we heard on the news of a semi-transparent boy matching his description being found up to his neck on a beach in Co. Donegal.

Presently our experiments are limited to an hour or so each Wednesday morning.  But we figure if we could get Mr Bowser to increase the duration of his love-ins with Beryl, we could get enough research time to fine-tune the thing and perhaps incorporate this device into some ill-thought-through rescue mission of our man stranded on Europa and perhaps even restore the boy Llyr back to solidity from his current state of spectre-esque translucence.

 

Jupiter in close up

A close up view of Jupiter from its moon EuropaSince Welsh spacecraft Cymru III crash-landed on Jupiter’s frigid moon Europa, cymrunaut Dilwyn Griffiths and his (quite nasty) dog Megan have been on the ultimate fight for survival.

Luckily, the intelligent alien lifeforms they encountered there are fairly easy to catch and despite their spacey metallic taste are providing our intrepid pair with sufficient nutrition to stave off the worst of their predicament.

As if to prove that the entire mission wasn’t a complete fiasco, Dilwyn retrieved the WASA space telescope from the wreckage. And being at this ideal vantage point for observing the mysterious parent planet he realised this was an opportunity too good for science to miss.

This photo taken shortly after periapsis shows in breathtaking close-up the intense weather systems that form swirling coloured bands high in the atmosphere of this gas giant planet. Just rotated into view slightly beneath the equatorial belt you can see the fabled Great Red Spot which shows at about 22° S latitude.

Meanwhile, the WASA mission inspectorate has given the go-ahead for a rescue mission. Presently, our engineers are welding up all but one of the windows of an old Crosville Wales bus. Once the gas-tight seals have been fitted, the drum ‘n bass funk-engines fitted and somebody manages to find the pilot Berwyn Griffiths (Dil’s brother) then we’ll be off.

Uncle Rhodri

Del from the internet has written to us suggesting that Uncle Rhodri is winning far too much to be normal, and does he have inter-terrestrial influences?

Bookies' favourite, Uncle Rhodri checking out the form.We’re so glad you asked that question Del, because, remarkable as it may seem, Uncle Rhodri does indeed win an awful lot (of times). In fact, his system – the Uncle Rhodri System ™ guarantees a winner every single race.

Uncle Rhodri has created a small fortune*1 from his highly lucrative*2 horse betting system. And for one day only, we’re prepared to let you in on his secret. But before we do we should warn you that it is very complicated and requires intense concentration, and a good biro. And a lot of money to start with. Here goes…

By using your best skill and judgement, you should bet decreasing amounts on the horses in decreasing likelihood of winning the race.
This is easiest explained by using as an example today’s 3.15 Pedigree Chum Handicap Stakes (1m 2f) at Merthyr Tydfil :

Uncle Rhodri studying the gee-gee's form

 

Horse Odds Bet Rhodri wins
#1 Kennomeat Boy 11/4 £5 £18.75
#2 Frenchman’s dinner 12/1 £1 £13.00
#3 Where’s me cart 7/4 fav £6 £16.50
#4 Racecard filler 5/1 £3 £18.00
#5 Princess Glue Factory 7/2 £4 £18.00
#6 Final Hurdle 15/2 £2 £17.00

 

So as you can see from the above illustration, with a total bet of £21 on the whole race, Uncle Rhodri is GUARANTEED a minimum of £13 return on his bet whichever horse wins.  And with £18.75 the most he can win, he will NEVER LOSE more than he bet. So, now you have the secret, keep it to yourself and get yourself down the bookies and just like Uncle Rhodri, ALWAYS walk away with a confused smile on your face.
*1 he started with a much larger fortune.
*2 for his bookmaker

Situations vacant

shoppingtrolley

A vacancy has opened up within our Small Hadron Collider Facility behind the Mace in Cerrigydrudion.

Applicants will be familiar with Bose-Einstein Condensates, Quark and gluon plasmas and stock-rotation methodologies.

You will also have a proven track record in technical solutions architecture especially within the fruit and vegetable sector.  A degree of self-motivation will be required as will an inherent ability to organise tins of dog food in neat rows with the labels facing outwards.

The successful applicant will also be responsible for bio-security within the complex and should exhibit an innate resourcefulness with a ground-surface-swab and bucket.

Communication skills are vital to this role and an ability to express oneself through simple grunts and the odd “dunno” would be advantageous. But preference will be given to candidates conversant with complex fiscal accumulation devices whilst displaying competence at closing high volume customer-facing transactions without looking-up from your mobile phone.

A remuneration package commensurate with the Saturday girl in the Mace will be provided as well as bonus payments of out-of-date packs of Garibaldis and dented tins with no labels.

Applications in writing, with a proper pen, here please. Deadline a fortnight last Wednesday.

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