Typical! Not a single update to this website in months, then along comes one all at the same time.
Actually, whilst it might seem like over a year to you, it’s just over 50 minutes to us since we last posted something on here. You see we have discovered how to make time elastic.
We wondered what our parking-space weights and measures official, Morris Spoon, did all day – we’ve only got three parking spaces after all. Turns out he’s a bit of a techno-whizz and came up with the chrono-disruption unit you see here. Yes, a time machine.
He didn’t know what it was supposed to do at first – but then he added a handle to the device and when he wound it to see what happened he discovered that he had travelled forward in time by about 3 minutes. A bit more tweaking and he got it to go backwards as well, and for longer times.
It’s all proper science and that. What’s more it uses readily available mobile-phone technology to do some of it. Serendipity then prevailed because Mamgu thought it was something the washing-machine chap had left and so ran out after him only to drop it which subtly altered the way it works. Now it doesn’t so much make the operator go back in time as make everyone else in the world go forward.
Anyway, we think it could prove a cheap and cheerful way of getting our Dilwyn back from Jupiter’s moon Europa*1 without having to bother with a mission.
Now that we have patented the device with the British Homeopathic Society’s Technological Advancement Office we can tell you how it works.
1. Vacillation wave unit.
2. Taid Jones’ watch. This is where you set the time to travel to.
3. Don’t know what that does.
4. Nor this.
5. Llyr’s old mobile phone with wires coming out the back.
6. Chrono-reflective membrane.
7. Music box which plays “My Way” or “Que sera”.
Just like Hadron Colliders – they’re easy once you’ve seen it done once.
In the photo on the right you can see our Senior Biscuit Procurement Executive, Ffranc Ff. Ffestiniog breaking the news of this amazing invention to the world’s telly. You can also just see Myfanwy hanging around knitting something in the corner.
*1See, we do remember!
Every Wednesday morning for years now, Mamgu has been nipping round to Callard and Bowser’s Bathroom showroom in the High Street. Here, when Mr Bowser “nips” into the back room for his regular-as-clockwork tryst with Beryl from the butchers, she avails herself of the many splendored shower cubicles therein.
Anyway, lately we’ve noticed she’s been taking a plank with her. And when asked she told us it’s because of the fancy new Chinese steam sauna unit they’re selling. Apparently, if she doesn’t tie the plank to her foot and leave it outside she gets dematerialised by the shower only to re-appear somewhere else. Which, apart from the bus fare back again, is a nuisance when you’re ringing wet.
Well, this piqued our boffins’ interest. So last Wednesday morning, we sent junior Biscuit Procurement Executive, Llyr ap Llwyllion, around to test it out. Sure enough, when he pressed the vertical steam button he at first turned foggy, swirled around a bit and then got sucked up into the extractor fan and disappeared. We only located him when we heard on the news of a semi-transparent boy matching his description being found up to his neck on a beach in Co. Donegal.
Presently our experiments are limited to an hour or so each Wednesday morning. But we figure if we could get Mr Bowser to increase the duration of his love-ins with Beryl, we could get enough research time to fine-tune the thing and perhaps incorporate this device into some ill-thought-through rescue mission of our man stranded on Europa and perhaps even restore the boy Llyr back to solidity from his current state of spectre-esque translucence.
A vacancy has opened up within our Small Hadron Collider Facility behind the Mace in Cerrigydrudion.
Applicants will be familiar with Bose-Einstein Condensates, Quark and gluon plasmas and stock-rotation methodologies.
You will also have a proven track record in technical solutions architecture especially within the fruit and vegetable sector. A degree of self-motivation will be required as will an inherent ability to organise tins of dog food in neat rows with the labels facing outwards.
The successful applicant will also be responsible for bio-security within the complex and should exhibit an innate resourcefulness with a ground-surface-swab and bucket.
Communication skills are vital to this role and an ability to express oneself through simple grunts and the odd “dunno” would be advantageous. But preference will be given to candidates conversant with complex fiscal accumulation devices whilst displaying competence at closing high volume customer-facing transactions without looking-up from your mobile phone.
A remuneration package commensurate with the Saturday girl in the Mace will be provided as well as bonus payments of out-of-date packs of Garibaldis and dented tins with no labels.
Applications in writing, with a proper pen, here please. Deadline a fortnight last Wednesday.